| I'm a worthless piece of shit... |
[Monday
June 13th, 2005] |
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It's official...I have lost all of my friends. Can't say that I blame them though cuz I wouldn't want to be friends with myself either. After Mike died I thought that things could only get better (slowly of course) but everything has been really shitty. I think about him all the time and try to visit the cementary every day. I know that is never going to stop but when I think about him now all I want to do is cry and before I was over that. Also, now I can not stop calling his phone and listening to his voice mail. There is just something reassuring about listening to his voice. Kinda creepy...I know.
I went and saw Carol today for the first time since the funeral. It was so emotional for the both of us I don't even know where to begin so I am not going to start.
At work today I told Jill how I felt about what has been going on. I feel that her and Ashley never want to hang out with me (well that is the truth b/c this is the 5th night that I was not invited to do something and before I was invited every time). Jill never calls me anymore either ; (. Same for Ashley. Sometimes I just wish I could join Mike up in heaven b/c down here there is nothing for me to live for.
I have had one of the many bad days today. Recap: went to the doctor and got nothing but bad news, missing Mike more and more everyday, saw Carol and felt awkward for the first time, and the final clencher is when I realized for the first time that I truely have no friends.
So as I sit her and bawl my eyes out like almost every night now I wish I would have never said anything to Jill b/c it didn't change the way things are and now she is prolly really pissed at me. In fact I don't want to even post this but I want to start posting more regularly and why not start here.
I hope things get better with my friends b/c I could not bear to lose another one right now.
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| Very Sad.... |
[Tuesday
April 19th, 2005] |
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sad |
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music |
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Music from the funeral... |
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So today was the day that Mr. Haley was laid to rest. It was very emotional to say the least. Abby had asked me to sit by her at the funeral so I did and where we sat was the worst place ever. It was in the front row but on the side so I had no where to look but at Mrs. Haley or the casket or the alter. I am really glad that I decided not to wear mascara b/c it would have been a disaster. The funeral was very appropriate for who it was for. There were a couple distinct things that I cannot shake from my head right now. For instance, when the family first entered, when the priest blessed the casket with incents (not sure what the official name of that is), and at the end when a lady sang Danny Boy. That was the final clencher right there. Also when we went to burial and drove by their house so he could say one final goodbye and the bagpipes (AHH the bag pipes!)
I can not get this song out of my head from the funeral. It goes, "May the angels welcome you to paradise. May the martrys (sp?) greet you on your way...." The tune is sticking in my head and that is the song they sang when they were blessing the coffin. I feel so sad for Nan and for everyone else that is missing him. Death is a horrible thing. Mrs. Haley has a lot ahead of her and I truly do feel for her. My grandma is having a hard time through all of this too. It ended up that Gail parked behind my grandparents for the procession so I rode back with them. My grandma held my hand the whole time we were at the burial site. Enough about today...all I can express is that it was very very very emotional. My deepest sympathy goes out to the Haley family.
On another note...I have yet to start my research paper due tomorrow and I can not get focused enough to do it. All I can think about is what happened today.
I also want to say that I hope your grandma gets better Jill and that she is in my prayers every night. I love you and I am very sorry about your grandma. I am also sorry she could not make it today.
Hopefully my future journal entries will be happier...
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| The days keep getting worse...when will the end come? |
[Saturday
April 16th, 2005] |
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It is official. I can not have one day that has nothing bad happen. Shit, I can't even have one day that only one bad thing happens! The day started off rough and got rougher just like the last post but this time it ends in Mr. Haley going to heaven...let me give you the details...
I had to work 10-6 today which isn't bad but my manager left me a nice note when I got there saying that she was still drunk when she came in so she booked it out of there. How lovely ehh? So I was stuck by myself until one on a saturday. It was great as you can all imagine. Then Jill and Lance came in at one so that wasn't too bad until I had this great idea (I am fucking retarted cuz I don't know why Ji and I did this) to get all of the stock done that we received on Friday (5 mother fucking skids). It sucked...took us about 3 hours. While we were working our fucking asses off, Lance appearently felt like just chatting with his wife and friend behind the counter and didn't help any customer out. That fucking PISSED ME OFF!!! After that was all said and done I received some terrible news.
I called my Grandma to get my Great Grandma's phone number because I am taking her to church tomorrow and my G-ma informed me that Mr. Haley had passed away Friday night. It hit me hard because my grandma is really sad. I don't know what I would do if it was my grandpa that passed away. I can't even talk about it anymore but I am glad that I found out as I was getting ready to leave work instead of just starting to work...ya know? So tomorrow I am going to go to the funeral home with my grandparents because my grandma asked me really nicely to go and I feel that is the least I can do right now. I don't know what to say to Nan though...sorry just doesn't cut it. I think it is really rude when people say sorry for your loss. I don't know exactly why but I do.
I have a horrible headache and my mom makes me so angry. With all of these people around us with lung cancer you would think that she would make an honest effort to quit but that is WAY to much to ask of her. We just finished eating and she lit up another one after I came home and told her about Mr. Haley. Nothing else to say about that matter.
Oh, I talked to Abby today after work to express my sympathy and I was glad that I did that. She sounded good and I haven't talked to her in so long that I believe I shocked her. When she comes home in the next day or so (she isn't sure which day she is coming back to BR) we are going to meet up. We didn't talk long but long enough. I am not really in the mood for an indepth convo if you know what I mean.
Well I suppose I am going to go watch a movie and try to relax.
Here is a thought to ponder on...if a person does something wrong with his/her life, should they be punished for it by death? Does that make them a bad person? I have mixed feelings on this so I just wonder what you all think about this...
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| So incredibly sad that I just want to bawl my eyes out... |
[Wednesday
April 13th, 2005] |
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grief stricken |
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Today has been one of the worst days of my life and not just because I am a selfish little bitch. The day started off rough and just plain right got worse as it progressed. I am not even gonna touch on my day or try to say that my day has been bad because it has been even closely related to how bad some peoples have.
Let me brief you in why it has been a bad evening and why no one should EVER smoke...
Around five this afternoon Jill called me to tell me that Mr. Haley has hospice over and he is not doing well at all...well that shocked the hell out of me b/c my Grandma and Grandpa didn't call or anything. So my mom and I decided that we should take a visit to see how they are holding up seeing that the Haley's are one of their closest friends. When we got there it looked like my grandma had been crying. So I just hugged her. I had no idea what to say. Luckily she brought it up so my mom and I didn't have to hint towards it. We didn't want to be rude about it ya know?
So my grandma tells us the whole story about how Mr. Haley was feeling sick around January and went in for test and they all came back negative and he ended up going down to Florida. While he was in FL he became ill again and went into the hospital. They proceeded to run more tests and they too came back negative. So the FL doctors called the Mich doc's and asked if they could run the tests that they previously had taken. Just so happened that the MI doctors overlooked some things and Mr. Haley has full blown lung cancer in both lungs. He had to be flown back to Michigan on Friday night in flight care and last night he came home and hospice has currently took over.
That is the short story because I don't feel like going into it. It was so sad for me because my grandma was trying to tell the story through all of her tears and my grandpa sat there looking out the window. I didn't know what to say. I mean, how can someone so young and so healthy go through all of this. How can the Lord do things like this to us. I pray that things will get better but my grandma says it is only a matter of time. She went to see Nan today and all my grandma could do was hug her. She didn't know what to say. God, how can this happen to the people that we love? I pray for Jill's grandma every night too. Yes, I do say nightly prayers. I am going to try to be a better Christian through all of this. It is just really hard.
Oh my Grandpa did say one thing throughout the whole time. He asked my mom if she was still smoking and my mom had nothing to say. But as soon as we got into the truck she lit one up. I don't have any comment on that because all I can envision is me going through the same thing they Haley's are going through. I know that I wasn't close with Mr. and Mrs. Haley but close enough. It is just a very hard situation to deal with. I am asking everyone that reads this tonight or in the future to pray for Mike Haley's family that they are able to survive this because God only knows that I am struggling right now (Due to my grandparents and seeing my mom lite up) to make it through this tough time.
I can't stop thinking about it.
Well I am going to try and study for Calc right now which is going to be impossible because on a good day I cannot concentrate...
God Bless Everyone
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[Sunday
March 27th, 2005] |
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HAPPY EASTER EVERYONE!
I hope all of you have a great day.
;)
(My mood is grateful because I am grateful that Jesus died on the cross for me!)
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| WaiTing....and waitinG....and WaitIng.... |
[Saturday
March 26th, 2005] |
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mood |
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thought that was a funny mood! |
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Welp...can you guys guess that I am waiting for something?!!? Miss is coming over and then we are heading out to party. I didn't really want to go early today but then my mom and I had a long talk and I am cool with going out. See, Stephanie, Billie, and Jenny all smoke weed and the last time I did it my mom found out and seemed really pissed. Well today I was like I am going to party with them but not smoke (don't know if that will stay true or not) and my mom was like I don't care what you do as long as you stay out of jail. She told me that I am old enough to make my own decisions and whatever I felt like doing, do it.
I was like HOLY SHIT! So yeah...here I am still waiting for miss. WTF....I wanna get drunk. I got some Bud Yites (ha!) waiting for me at Steph's house and maybe a fat doobie if I am lucky!
Well I am gonna go finish getting ready and hopefully Miss will be here by then
Happy Easter Evey!!!
Love you's....be safe tonite whatever anyone does!
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[Sunday
March 20th, 2005] |
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So you know how my plan was to go to bed early last night...well that didn't happen cuz my fucking phone would not stop ringing.
First of all, my cell was on vibrate so I didn't hear it cuz I was downstairs. When I went upstairs there was 4 missed calls and they were all either from Shannon, Chris, or Gary to come over and play poker...I fucking don't wanna go over...get the fucking hint! I mean I like Shannon and all but I can't stand Gary and Chris is starting to get on my nerves.
So I turned my phone off thinking that would be the end of it. Nope, they called my house and my mom was watching a movie so I answered it...it was Shannon. So I had to lie again and tell her that I didn't feel good and maybe next weekend. She wasn't happy but oh well ya know?
So I woke up super early this morning for no reason cuz I am not going to church. It doesn't do a damn thing for me so why go? Not a good attitude, but that is how I feel right now...STILL.
Well that is all I have to bitch/vent about so until next time...
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[Saturday
March 19th, 2005] |
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I'm in such a bad mood right now I don't even know what to do with myself so I am sitting here fucking typing about it on the god damn live journal bullshit. I am still in a bad mood even though my mom just bought me starbucks.
Wanna know why I am in a bad mood....it is because my life fucking sucks...no friends, no guy, bored as fuck, and I am fucking fat and ugly. I think that pretty much covers it.
You ask why am I sitting at home on a Sat night...b/c my only friend Jill has her boy over so I won't be able to hang out with her until Sunday night and prolly not even then. Wow...three nights without going to starbucks with her and just hanging out. That fucking sucks. I am not mad at you Jill cuz I understand...just lonely.
So yeah...that is pretty much it...I should go do something with my life....kill myself? Just kiddin kids...I wouldn't do that. I just can't stand this life that I live in any longer...I don't know what to do with myself. I guess I'll do what I did last night, try and go to bed early so I won't have to be awake cuz lately when I am awake I hate everything about myself....
have a good night everyone.
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| Hello Fellow Compadres |
[Wednesday
March 16th, 2005] |
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Well hello out there to my beauty queenies! I don't really have much to say cuz today was kinda boring...
I was at Ji's by 8:15 or so and she drove to school today...I heart her...except when she points at people in the car ( I feel like such as asshole when she does that, don't know why though) OMG, that just reminded me about that time when Jill, Ashley, and I went to starbucks and those fat guys...that was fucking crazy. I was so fucking embarrassed.
Anyways, I waited for Jill while she was in her psych class and I did my calc shit...after she got out of class I was only half way done so we went to library where I finished in the knick of time! Then went to calc...I hate that class. Dr. Shu-Yi Tu is a mother fucking bitch! Whew, thanks for letting me get that out!
After calc class I met Ji and we went to French Hall where we saw Kaitlin and talked to her for a while. Nice to know we have fellow Birch Runians (spelling?!) representing it with us! After a little chat Jill and I waited around for next class which is a one. Man, there are some fucking WEIRDOS out there! Let me tell you what! I'll stop there cuz I don't have anything nice to say.
After Econ I waited for Jill to get out of her social work class...we are supposed to go to English after that but that class is sooooo pointless so we skipped out...just this once! HAHA. Once in BR we made a run through starbucks, went back to Ji's to get my car, and I jetted home to watch GH....I LOVE THAT SHOW. I am soooo addicted.
Once GH was over I made some dinner and took a nap cuz I felt like shit. I left a note for my mom to wake me up but she didn't and they at the dinner I made without me and left me none! Fucking assholes...guess it was good!?! Then I went over to pick up Jill at 7:30 and guess where we went....give up?!?!
STARBUCKS...DUH!! It was very good I must say. I had to ask Andrea to make it though cuz I didn't want Seattle boy too! Drama is going down at starbucks....oh well....as long as they don't close! HAHA.
Well I have put off my calculus homework long enough...gonna go do that cuz I have to go to class tomorrow...I hope Jill fixes my lj cuz I want this icon with Bob Barker...I love the Price is Right too...I want to watch that taping I was at...last time I feel asleep!! LOL.
Well goodnight my loves!
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| Long time |
[Monday
March 14th, 2005] |
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mood |
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lazy |
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music |
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General Hospital theme song still stuck in my head!! |
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It has been a long time since I have last updated...I know I promised that I would do it religiously but shit happens alright. I figured since Jill is redoing my LG the least I could do is post in it every now and then to use the damn thing so her time doesn't end up going to waste.
So lets see...anything new you all should know about. Skipped out on class today (school fucking sucks), went and got starbucks with Jill (the usual) and now I am just laying around watching tv. Nope, nothing new except I don't have to work today. HaHa.
Now I am just sitting here procrastinating on doing my homework and cleaning my room. It seems like whenever I get the day off I always have so much shit to do. I can't ever just have nothing to do. That fucking sucks.
Well I don't really have anything else to say...nothing exciting ever happens in my life....oh
HAPPY PI DAY EVERYONE!!
hahaha...just thought I would put that in there...don't know why cuz Calc is kicking my ass right now!
KiSSeS...hahaha
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| Listen up everyone |
[Sunday
January 30th, 2005] |
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All right here goes....
I am fucking sick and tired of everyone being bitches and hoes...
I'm not aiming this at anyone but the one time that I think everything is gonna go good it ends up fucking shitty. People just need to grow the fuck up and get their shit straightened around....
Alright well I said my peace and I don't have anything nice so say. Obviously, b/c I have a really bad attitude right now. Like I said to Ji in the car today on the way to starbuck, "I go to church almost every Sunday and God doesn't do shit for me....God Damnit"
And that is how I feel right now too....Fuck y'all!
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[Tuesday
January 25th, 2005] |
LOCKED UP!
comment, bitches.
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